Stupid Effing Neighbors

They’re everywhere!

Isn’t it disgusting how many folks whine about wanting a good lawn, yet they go out and scalp it week after week after week? EVERYBODY says mow high–EVERYBODY! Local newspapers, suburban mailings, all the idiots on the airwaves, and yes, even national magazines!

I think these dumb butts don’t realize that their lawn mowers actually have adjustable wheels! I’m serious. I have to drive by this dolt once or twice a day. I try not to look, but I just can’t help it. It’s like a doctor tellin’ you not to pop your pimples.

I know these folks want a good lawn–they apply fertilizers a few times a year. They clean the leaves up in the fall. They water in droughts. In addition to scalping their lawn the other huge mistake they make is using a very popular, heavily advertised, nationally well known retail product–that contains the weakest of all crabgrass herbicides–pendimethalin. I saw the bag sitting on the driveway this past spring when Mr. Idiot was applying it. “Pendy,” as it’s affectionately known in the industry, must be used twice in the spring to get a half-way decent level of crabgrass control. For more information on crabgrass herbicides, go read my older blog You Shouldn’t Have Crabgrass!

It was a WET and WARM spring and summer, which put extra pressure on the crappy herbicides. Scalping the lawn exacerbates the problem, because is supports constant weed germination. There’s a HUGE difference in shade between even a 2 inch mowing height and a 3 inch mowing height. Shaded soil will suppress weed growth much better than sunny soil. Cooler soils (high mowing) will suppress weed seed germination much better than hot soils (scalped lawns).

Here’s another nit-wit. It’s hilarious that these folks are actually WATERING THEIR WEEDS! I’ve labeled the crabgrass seed heads and yellow nutsedge seed heads as a teaching tool.

Scalped lawn weeds.jpg

And finally, I can’t resist taking another swipe at a crappy lawn care company. This lawn has a south facing blend of cool season grass–mostly bluegrass with some turf-type fescue. It’s not mowed as low as the first dolt, but this guy hires a guy with a professional walk behind mower. Because it’s a south facing slope this lawn should be mowed at 4 inches, not the 2.5 inches. This poor guy has a crappy lawncare company and a moron for a mower.

Trugreen

It’s not hard to have a great lawn, folks! Hire a local chain, not the big national ones. Better yet, just do it yourself! Sure, hire someone to mow your lawn it but make sure you read my blog, so that they mow right and edge right!

 

Lawn Scalpers Are Bad for Business

Imagine being an LCO (Lawn Care Operator) and doing your best to give a customer (let’s call him Geoffrey) a great lawn. He pays for a seven-step program, aerates and over seeds every few years. He irrigates, too, but Geoffrey’s lawn is stuck in the mediocre category. How could this be? Because he’s a lawn scalper!

“What’s a lawn scalper?” you ponder. It’s exactly how it sounds.

Geoffrey mows his lawn too dang short. He’s a bozo. He has no idea that mowing too short undoes all the good things he and his LCO are doing. He mistakenly believes mowing short buys him a few extra days in case he can’t mow on a seven-day schedule.

Before going any further with this blog, let’s be clear that we’re only talking about cool season turf species, such as Kentucky bluegrass, turf type fescue and perennial ryegrass. And we’re also talking about turf in full sun all dang day. Shady turf is a whole-nother subject! Warm season turf (zoysiagrass and bermudagrass) should be mowed as short as possible (yet another topic). Many of the little mowers are maxed out with a 3-inch height setting. Newer mowers, especially quality brands like Honda and Toro, can be set higher; professional mowers can be set up to at least 4 inches.

Here’s why cool season turf should be mowed as high as possible in the heat of summer. Cool season turf prefers to go dormant in hot and dry weather, but we push it with fertilizer and water, so we can keep it green and growing to enjoy its beauty. The growing point (crown) of cool season turf species is right at the surface of the soil. As such, mowing at LEAST 3 inches high provides a lot of shade at the soil surface, thus keeping the crown reasonably cool. Scalping is defined as anything below 3 inches, and mowing at 2.5 inches should be a felony! Scalped lawns let too much sunshine hit the soil surface, and the heat adversely affects the crown. When the crown of cool surface gets hot, it simply starts to peter out, preferring to go dormant.

In addition to a weak lawn there are a few weeds that always expose the scalpers, prostrate spurge and crabgrass. The weeds germinate because the turf is too weak. The photos below show this well.

There you have it! Cool season turf in full sun should be mowed at 3.5 inches when it’s above 85F. If your mowing service can’t give you 3.5 inches, fire them. If you mow yourself and your old beater mower can’t be raised to 3.5 inches–time for a new one!

Photos below: classic weeds in scalped turf, crabgrass and prostrate spurge. Note dormant turf, too.